I know now why I'm afraid to commit again. I dont like change...

It took me a while to get over a realtionship and it now comfortable to be alone. So why would I want to exchange my comfort zone for a possible failure?

Ironically, I change address every year. It must be how I balance stabilty and change...

I’m a movie and tv addict. I’m also a book worm but I’ll concentrate on the former two but most of what I’ll say applies to books too.

I like watching movies and tv series. I like how the story develops and climb to the climax. I like the resolution of conflicts. My peculiarity is that I understand them when I watch them but after a while I forget them. Thus, I watch them over and over. Many can attest on that particular habit of mine.

When I don’t have time I settle on watching the ending, the resolution of the conflict. It escapes me how I can quote certain lines and remember how the story develops but forgot how it ends. I sometimes have 5 dvds lined up just to watch the last 10 minutes.

I’m still trying to develop a theory why I do that. Let me tell you what I have so far. It reminds me that no matter how bad the situation is, it will end. It may end bad, it may end well but one thing is sure: it ends. It somehow gives me hope that no matter is happening in my life, it is bound to end. If something bad is happening, it is good to know it will end somehow. If something good is happening, it makes me appreciate more the moment and live life to the fullest.

But somehow it keeps me hoping that all the bad things will end soon and the good things will last forever….

and now we're ok.

How sad is it to rely on your own personal judgment betting against oddment that you are right? You wanted so much for your belief to be true because outside of it there is nothing.

It is comfortable relying on ignorance, of the world thinking that you know better. Your instinct/decision brought you as far as this so you couldn’t be wrong. So when did you started resisting the truth because the lie you made is more fitting to the life that you to lead?

Truth is a funny thing. People are more afraid of the truth than the lie. I said before that people tends to believe the lie because they are either afraid that it is true or they want the lie to be true. What about the truth then? People are afraid of the truth that it could be true and it could spell the end of their pleasure, the paradise now that Satan promised them. As I am writing this I know the truth and I am willing to accept it except that the body is weaker than the heart and it is no excuse.

Truth is an inconvenient thing in this world as it will make you an outcast of the life you know. But there is the absolute truth. It doesn’t bend to the truth that you wish it to be. And you are wishing against hope that you are right when you know that you are wrong. Truth is a funny thing. It can either set you free or make you hold on the lie tighter than ever before.

Here is the truth about absolute truth: no matter how hard you wish that it is a lie, it can’t be and there is nothing it for you…. Unless you accept that yours is a lie and then you need to start reforming yourself…in the end the truth always prevails...

If only you knew, only you can make me smile.

If only I can tell you I love you, then I wouldn't have to lie...

... this is torture!!!

My sister sent me a text message last night informing me that my nephew's christening was a blast and in a very offhand manner told me that Pamela was not with us anymore.....

I remember Ella as the picture of innocence and enthusiasm for knowledge. She was witty and was very playful. All of my memories of her is of her smiling face. This was when I was senior in high school. She was Grade 5. My mom used to tutor her. I never saw her again since then except for fleeting moment s when their car passes by our house during those few moments when I’m at San Pablo.

Now she’s gone. She’s not even 25. She wasn’t even able to live her 20’s. I don’t know why her death is affecting me this much. We have a very brief association. Maybe because she died of lung cancer….. And she doesn’t even smoke!

I'm a very attached person. I love experiencing things and soaking on them. Everything! And most of the time I keep on lingering and reluctant to let things go. I may accept that things have to end I keep on reminiscing the things that I lost. I'm like a sponge, absorbing everything and slow to let things go. In time, the sponge may dry up but it doesn't just let the liquid slide. It has to be oozed out.

For so many occasions, I watched the sun sets on me, stayed too long thinking about the beauty I witnessed and passed until late in the night. I wake up in the afternoon, catching just a few moments of sunlight before the sun sets again. It seems I'm doing it again, watching the sun sets while the sun is already rising in the east.

It's time to change. I'll sleep after the sun sets again and wake in the morning and face the other way. I don't want to miss the sun rise anymore…

ps. this is the 2nd and final part of the paranoia entry. I wrote "disillusioned" and "Autopsy of a broken heart" which are supposed to be the middle entries but I wont be posting them. Nobody likes tragedy anyway...

Johnathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Johnathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny.

- Serendipity

This might be brought by the fact that I am sick (whatever aspect you can think of applies) or to my weekend of movies (mostly comedy, some romantic) but when I went to office this evening to fetch my laptop I was not able to prevent myself from checking friendster. I couple of my friends updated their profiles and I was struck by paranoia that I might be heading to another episode of hearbreak. And then I stumble with this quote: "How do I say goodbye to someone I never had? Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine? Why do I miss someone who I was never with? And why do I love someone whose love was never mine?"

Like I said, blame my sickness... Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick again....